Discomfort Zone

So, I’ve researched and written twelve thousand words, labelled it my dissertation, edited, formatted, printed and bound it before handing it in to be assessed by two people that may or may not be interested in what I have to say. Hey, that marks the end of my MA and the beginning of another phase of my life.

So what’s next? This is where the craziness begins… where I am in my discomfort zone.

I have a plan. It involves getting a part-time job, researching and writing up a PhD proposal, applying to a few chosen universities to see if they will accept me, then if they do, go through the battle of funding. This concept of getting a position secured before knowing how it can be paid for is completely alien and uncomfortable for me. How is it good planning to do that? Also, how can I pour my passion into preparing the best PhD application I can make, knowing that there might be a chance that I wouldn’t be able to get funding, thus proceed with it… if I get an offer?

I realise that I am pre-programmed to be logical and pragmatic in my approach to life, which in itself is chaotic. I used to think that you need to have high expectations of yourself in order to be able to achieve good results, in order to be able to push yourself to work towards something more than you think you can actually do. Though I still think that is applicable, we need to know how to be flexible and to accept changes as we go on in life too. Failures also have to be accepted with a critical mindset, as failure may not be a direct cause of bad quality but of subjectiveness from others. Opinions differ… that is why in most assessments, things have to be moderated, double-marked and peer-reviewed. It’s just human nature to not see quality when emotions get in the way.

Anyway, we digress. My current plan is to try and keep some short-term goals, which in my head, is unheard of. In the next four weeks, I will be doing job applications, some basic research and I will get myself back into my fiction writing mode again. To be fair, I have already been doing all that.

What happens after that? Well, let’s just see eh? I’m experimenting with the possibility that humans can change their habits. If I succeed in not freaking out with just having short-term goals, and not knowing where I’ll be in a year’s time, let alone five years… it might give me a bit more hope.

In the meantime, don’t ask me what I will be doing… ask me what I am doing. :)

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